Restless

**This may be too honest. Just a warning up front.

Carrie pointed out tonight that I've been restless now going on 8 months. It started in July. I might even go back and say it started last July... a year and 8 months ago.

It's this magical little place called Selbyville that tends to screw with your head... and your heart. Last year I was there I was still full-time in youth ministry, working with Junior High students. I was on the porch of one of the rustic little cabins with a couple close friends, too late at night, talking about how burnt out I was. It was for real too. I was sick of the kids. I was sick of teaching and teaching and teaching and feeling like they never really got it. I wanted out of youth ministry, and I had never felt that way in my entire life. I had been involved in youth ministry from the time I was in high school... but last July I had no joy in it.

At the same time I was watching our worship pastor at the Chapel crumble. He fought clinical depression for a long time and he was falling apart on the job. His relationship with our pastor was splintering further and further apart--not because they disliked each other, but because, like a doomed marriage, they couldn't communicate anymore. It wasn't working.

I saw this, and I knew I was next in line. God, I'm prideful. But it was true. I knew I had what it took to step into the role and at least move the church forward in terms of their "modernization" of worship. That was what I felt God "calling me to". In February, our worship pastor left and I did step in. I was finally out of youth ministry and fully into the worship area.

I took on leadership of Sunday mornings and continued in the Saturday night role--playing the music I wanted on Saturdays and tailoring basically to what the church wanted on Sunday mornings... whatever that means, "what the church wanted." I think I nearly killed myself doing this. I didn't realize how unhealthy, physically and emotionally, this was for me until we hired our new worship pastor in August. I stepped back to only doing Saturday nights and found rest and some sense of balance again. But I also found a deep and ugly beast called pride that was jealous beyond all measure that I hadn't been consulted on who we would hire, and hadn't even been asked to step into the role myself. (It doesn't matter that I would have failed miserably in that role, my own pride wanted it.)

I wrote a song during that time that I thought was a breakup love song with some cool imagery about a magician:

The Magician
I’m not really here, it’s a vanishing act you see
And if I disappear, would you even miss me?

Did I see hope in your eyes, hope only that I’ll be gone?
Wonderment paint on the face, of the innocent young

So with a magic word, I’ll do this thing right
Just a flick of the wand I’ll be gone from your sight

And the world will be, full of mystery again
There’ll be no more you for me, and the show will end

The stage is empty now, it’s time to go
No more sleight of hand, and we’re all alone

There aren’t magic words, to fill up the gap
For you’re there in the crowd and you don’t know where I’m at
But if I reappear would we find our way
Somehow to pull back the veil, or just vanish away…


The more I sang it though, in my own basement, the more I realized it wasn't a breakup song. It was a song from the pit of my pride, trying to deal with not being "the guy on stage" anymore. I don't know that I've even now fully dealt with it.

Anyway, it was about this time that what I knew God had "called me to" (the worship thing) began to leave me empty. I started wondering why I couldn't do more. I miss teaching. I miss the relationships and hanging out with students. I feel like I sing every week and try to create a flow of songs that leaves people feeling like they've connected with God--whether I have or not.

Take this week for instance. I did these songs and felt like there was nothing there. In the middle of one of the songs I consciously thought that... "I'm faking this." At the end I was backstage (hiding) and putting my guitar away. A good friend that I love like crazy came and found me to say how great it had been and how God was so cool. He talked specifically about my prayer for the congregation and how it had touched him and someone he brought with him who didn't know Christ. I didn't have the guts to tell him I was a fraud.

Maybe this is too much of an emotional rant, but maybe it's also sort of therapy for me. The fact is, I'm worn out. I've been searching for the "right job". I look at ministry websites, check out churches, and try to find the perfect role for myself at my current church. And I think I cloak it with things like, "If God would just show me..." I feel utterly and completely restless. I feel like I work in a system with something that I don't necessarily, theologically believe in... a large, consumer-driven business that we sometimes call church. I know that's harsh and I know God loves passionately that place and is still using it, but it's just where I'm at.

I want to climb out of this, but I don't see a rope. I keep thinking about what it means to be "called" to something and I realize more and more that I have absolutely no idea what calling is. I don't know what I'm called to beyond the relationships with the people that I love like crazy. I have dreams but right now I feel stuck.

I must be driving Carrie crazy. She's a hero to me. She continues the light that I can't always see. Caedmon's Call has a great song about that, "Hold the Light."

I don't know... I really don't.

A Heap

I don't know if I've asked the question here or not, but what does it mean to be saved? I think it's almost meaningless in Christianity today. We say it, expect it as almost code for being in the "in club" and yet I think it's somewhat lost the power that being saved needs to have. When I hear it I think of the 70 year olds in my home church at the old Sunday night testimony and hymn sing we did sharing their testimonies. They would tear up and talk about being saved. I loved those night. But when I talk about it I don't have that same passion.

For the past few months, I feel like I keep trying to stand up and then I get my knees kicked out from under me. Usually by my own fault, sometimes from the criticisms of others, and sometimes I'll even blame it on God (He's not opposed to wrestling)--but I've felt like a big heap on the ground for quite a while.

I want to know what's next. I want to know what God has planned for Carrie and I. I want direction, leading, guidance and the next steps. I think God just wants me. Beyond that I think he wants to keep saving me. I think he wants to save me from myself. I think as I look for direction he just wants me to realize I'm directionless... and will be until I fall completely on him.

I'm tired--emotionally. I think I've been sitting in shame and self-doubt, craving the worth that "the right job" or the "right ministry opportunity" might offer. I need saved from this. I truly and desperately need saved.

Been thinking about this song...

BLOOM AGAIN - Charlie Hall
Crying seems to hurt me, but it's alright to cry
You have been so strong now, your tears will turn to wine
Life seems so brittle, landing upside down
It seems to make us fragile, and bares upon us now

Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again

The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

Some storms leave the beauty,
Some storms leave the thorns
Compassion pours from heaven
Mercy ever dawn

Somewhere in this whirlwind
Somewhere in this crowd
Hold up to his heartbeat
Push away the sounds

Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again

The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

Maybe I should say your Name,
Maybe I should say your Name out loud


The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

Open Again

I've been wanting to post on here again for a while, but haven't felt like I had much to write. I don't really know if anyone will still read this. Either way, it might be therapeutic for me.

I'm in Minnesota right now for seminary. It's always good to be out here because I get away from work for a while and am able to really focus on school. I also like being with the guys I'm with in class and at the hotel--it's good to process learning in community. But, it's also hard being gone from the girls for so long. I miss them like crazy.

Anyway, I think the last time I posted on here we had just returned from North Carolina after taking a weekend away to really pray about church planting and our future. That was over a month ago. I think I've been kind of frustrated since then... frustrated at God somewhat for not making it obviously clear what lies ahead and frustrated that I can't figure it out. I understand his timing is perfect and am trying to surrender all that, but it is difficult at times.

Tonight I went to John Piper's church. Here's a picture:


Being at his church is pretty unique. I know John Piper from his books, the Passion conference, and other things like that. He's a phenomenal teacher--very passionate and very deep. But his church is like stepping into a timewarp. To be honest, it's really a pretty frustrating experience. Like many of our churches, it is not very welcoming at all, and I would feel really uncomfortable there if I wasn't a Christian. But I think it goes deeper than that...

After the service tonight I talked with some of the guys from my class. What I said was that I think I could cease going to large, corporate church services and be perfectly content. The house church model, to me, with a group of people that I love and relate to in community, seems much more fulfilling. I really don't know what to do with that. (I say that a lot on this blog.)

I'm not sure where things will head, but I think that for those of us thinking this way we have to get courageous enough to take some of these jumps. The jumps may mean stepping out of traditions in order to be intentional in the untraditional, smaller community settings. I don't know. Any thoughts?

Mormons on the Street

We returned from North Carolina last night about 8 pm. It was a great weekend, with a ton of driving and fun.

We went to Chapel Hill for a couple of reasons. When I started this blog a couple months ago, with the few of you that actually read it, I was at a point of total struggle and frustration. But... I also didn't just want to keep complaining. I needed to find out what God wanted to show me. In my mind, I was taking a leap, in a community of people, to find out what the future might hold.

About that same time I started thinking about Chapel Hill. I love college students, and I've spent time around UNC a few times with our friends from North Carolina. Every time, I've loved it. The area is incredible, and ripe for ministry. Maybe it was just a need to get away, or maybe it was God speaking, but Carrie and I decided to take a weekend down there in prayer and exploration... and wondered if God might be leading us there permanently. I was terrified, and felt like an absolute crazy man. But I wanted to at least DO something.

Anyway... the trip was great. We spent late Thursday night driving and pulled into our friends' house about 2:30 Friday morning. Our friends, Jordan and Deirdre, went with us and it was great having some other perspective on the trip.

Friday we walked around Chapel Hill and I realized that I really had no clue how I was supposed to "discern" God's voice. Funny story though, the first people that talked to us in Chapel Hill were two young mormon men on mission. Complete with short sleeved dress shirts and black ties, they were also about the only people in Chapel Hill who spoke with us. It was at this point that I started to realize how much I was stressing myself out trying to "hear" God.

Saturday we relaxed. I spent some time in prayer Friday night and really felt like I needed to just stop stressing and be present with the people we were there with that we loved a lot. We all went to get tattoos Saturday (even my wife!) which was a blast and took it easy.

Long story short, we're not moving to North Carolina. Most of you probably realized that as soon as I told you we were even taking the trip. I think I did too, but was perhaps glamorizing my own "Abraham experience" of going into the wilderness. I don't regret it though. I think the clearest I heard God on the trip was in the voice of the people I was there with.

That is what I keep returning to--the absolute divine nature of the intentional community we surround ourselves with. I am excited to be home... I missed our family and our friends... those of you who love and support Carrie and I. We have some big ideas that we're praying about and I'll be sharing in the coming weeks... I'm dying to get them out there for you all to start praying too, but I don't think it's quite time. If you really want to know, give me a call and I'll pour out my heart, but it may be a long conversation.

Anyway, thanks for your prayers and love for us. It is good to be home and I still have no clue where the road is going, but I think we'll keep walking.

Off to Explore

Carrie and I are off this weekend to spend some time in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Be praying for us. I'm hoping it's a great weekend away, and somewhat clarifying for us as to where God might lead us in the future. I'll try to keep you all updated.

Inconsistent.

I just read a brief article in "Worship Leader" magazine written by Francis Chan. The title was "Why are they Leaving?" and dealt with why so many youth are leaving the church in droves. His conclusion was that we've based so much of what we do in ministry on the entertainment mentality. The challenge was for worship leaders to go away from this--begin modeling the true Acts 2 church.

I love Francis Chan. I've heard him speak a couple of times and he is one of the most passionate speakers I've ever heard. But this article was ruined for me when I read the last page. In the midst of a great article was a full page spread with an ad for some worship projection software. The image was of a man kneeling on some carpets, arms raised in worship as he knelt before an enormous projection screen. The tag: "Powerful imagery for a powerful message." This was mirrored by an in-article ad for worship films, "20+ all new loopable videos to enhance your worship services."

Understand, I have no problems with the use of media and projection and those things in a worship service. I just think that sometimes with our "Christian" media world--magazines, shows, radio, etc. our message is very inconsistent.

Marketing your Church

What do you think about marketing for outreach? There are a lot of different opinions, from doing nothing at all other than relationships to mimicking the best in the world with a fifth avenue mindset.

Part of me loves the creativity and challenge of good marketing while another part of me wonders about it.

Any thoughts?

If you like good marketing, you should love Apple.