A Heap


I don't know if I've asked the question here or not, but what does it mean to be saved? I think it's almost meaningless in Christianity today. We say it, expect it as almost code for being in the "in club" and yet I think it's somewhat lost the power that being saved needs to have. When I hear it I think of the 70 year olds in my home church at the old Sunday night testimony and hymn sing we did sharing their testimonies. They would tear up and talk about being saved. I loved those night. But when I talk about it I don't have that same passion.

For the past few months, I feel like I keep trying to stand up and then I get my knees kicked out from under me. Usually by my own fault, sometimes from the criticisms of others, and sometimes I'll even blame it on God (He's not opposed to wrestling)--but I've felt like a big heap on the ground for quite a while.

I want to know what's next. I want to know what God has planned for Carrie and I. I want direction, leading, guidance and the next steps. I think God just wants me. Beyond that I think he wants to keep saving me. I think he wants to save me from myself. I think as I look for direction he just wants me to realize I'm directionless... and will be until I fall completely on him.

I'm tired--emotionally. I think I've been sitting in shame and self-doubt, craving the worth that "the right job" or the "right ministry opportunity" might offer. I need saved from this. I truly and desperately need saved.

Been thinking about this song...

BLOOM AGAIN - Charlie Hall
Crying seems to hurt me, but it's alright to cry
You have been so strong now, your tears will turn to wine
Life seems so brittle, landing upside down
It seems to make us fragile, and bares upon us now

Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again

The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

Some storms leave the beauty,
Some storms leave the thorns
Compassion pours from heaven
Mercy ever dawn

Somewhere in this whirlwind
Somewhere in this crowd
Hold up to his heartbeat
Push away the sounds

Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again

The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

Maybe I should say your Name,
Maybe I should say your Name out loud


The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again

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