I don't know if I've asked the question here or not, but what does it mean to be saved? I think it's almost meaningless in Christianity today. We say it, expect it as almost code for being in the "in club" and yet I think it's somewhat lost the power that being saved needs to have. When I hear it I think of the 70 year olds in my home church at the old Sunday night testimony and hymn sing we did sharing their testimonies. They would tear up and talk about being saved. I loved those night. But when I talk about it I don't have that same passion.
For the past few months, I feel like I keep trying to stand up and then I get my knees kicked out from under me. Usually by my own fault, sometimes from the criticisms of others, and sometimes I'll even blame it on God (He's not opposed to wrestling)--but I've felt like a big heap on the ground for quite a while.
I want to know what's next. I want to know what God has planned for Carrie and I. I want direction, leading, guidance and the next steps. I think God just wants me. Beyond that I think he wants to keep saving me. I think he wants to save me from myself. I think as I look for direction he just wants me to realize I'm directionless... and will be until I fall completely on him.
I'm tired--emotionally. I think I've been sitting in shame and self-doubt, craving the worth that "the right job" or the "right ministry opportunity" might offer. I need saved from this. I truly and desperately need saved.
Been thinking about this song...
BLOOM AGAIN - Charlie Hall
Crying seems to hurt me, but it's alright to cry
You have been so strong now, your tears will turn to wine
Life seems so brittle, landing upside down
It seems to make us fragile, and bares upon us now
Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again
The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again
Some storms leave the beauty,
Some storms leave the thorns
Compassion pours from heaven
Mercy ever dawn
Somewhere in this whirlwind
Somewhere in this crowd
Hold up to his heartbeat
Push away the sounds
Oh the leaves are falling
Winter is now here
The spring is coming
And you can bloom again
The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again
Maybe I should say your Name,
Maybe I should say your Name out loud
The beauty of,
The ash of love,
When you emerge,
You are more beautiful... bloom again
A Heap
Open Again
I've been wanting to post on here again for a while, but haven't felt like I had much to write. I don't really know if anyone will still read this. Either way, it might be therapeutic for me.
I'm in Minnesota right now for seminary. It's always good to be out here because I get away from work for a while and am able to really focus on school. I also like being with the guys I'm with in class and at the hotel--it's good to process learning in community. But, it's also hard being gone from the girls for so long. I miss them like crazy.
Anyway, I think the last time I posted on here we had just returned from North Carolina after taking a weekend away to really pray about church planting and our future. That was over a month ago. I think I've been kind of frustrated since then... frustrated at God somewhat for not making it obviously clear what lies ahead and frustrated that I can't figure it out. I understand his timing is perfect and am trying to surrender all that, but it is difficult at times.
Tonight I went to John Piper's church. Here's a picture:
Being at his church is pretty unique. I know John Piper from his books, the Passion conference, and other things like that. He's a phenomenal teacher--very passionate and very deep. But his church is like stepping into a timewarp. To be honest, it's really a pretty frustrating experience. Like many of our churches, it is not very welcoming at all, and I would feel really uncomfortable there if I wasn't a Christian. But I think it goes deeper than that...
After the service tonight I talked with some of the guys from my class. What I said was that I think I could cease going to large, corporate church services and be perfectly content. The house church model, to me, with a group of people that I love and relate to in community, seems much more fulfilling. I really don't know what to do with that. (I say that a lot on this blog.)
I'm not sure where things will head, but I think that for those of us thinking this way we have to get courageous enough to take some of these jumps. The jumps may mean stepping out of traditions in order to be intentional in the untraditional, smaller community settings. I don't know. Any thoughts?